LIVING BETTER
About halfway through my nightly doomscroll, I came across a Reel that stopped me in my sleep-deprived tracks.
A young man, wearing a crisp suit and an obnoxious smile, hands several hundred dollars to someone sitting on the busy city sidewalk.
The recipient leaned against a brick wall, a worn, upside-down baseball cap beside them collecting change.
They looked exhausted and disheveled; probably too tired to want a camera in their face, yet there they were, being filmed on an iPhone — suddenly a prop in someone else’s play about giving.
The person accepted the cash, but as a viewer, you could sense the discomfort through the screen.
We’ve all seen these videos – the ones where “giving” feels forced and performative. Where the person in need is asked personal questions on camera, expected to answer because they were given a financial gift.
But if we ask people to pay with likes and shares, is it really a gift? Or are we getting more than we’re giving in these situations?
Videos like these remind me of the other ways helping can go wrong; there are more than you might think.
Unfortunately, even the best intentions can still sometimes cause harm. That’s why it’s important to offer help as a fellow human, not a hero.
When Help Hurts
Let’s say you ask a friend for gas money. They offer a ride instead.
You accept but quickly end up regretting it. They actually wind up making you late, lecture you about finances, stop for coffee, and later post about it online, boasting about “helping” a friend in need.
You’re grateful for the ride, of course, but you feel controlled and unheard. You won’t be asking them for help again.
This is the risk that comes with helping others without humility, and when the giver centers themselves in the equation, instead of the person in need.
When we expect to gain from giving, especially at the expense of someone vulnerable, we risk opening the door to exploitation.
True support centers the person receiving it, not the person offering it. Otherwise, it’s not support. It’s saviorism.
That ride from a friend is just one small example of a larger systemic issue that plays out in government programs, national companies, and local nonprofits alike.
What Is Saviorism?
Support isn’t about the helper’s image. It’s about the needs of the person receiving it. That’s the main difference. Saviorism says, “Look at me! I’m the hero!” Genuine support asks, “How can I stand beside you in this moment?”
When we offer help without attempting to understand actual needs, it can be harmful:
- Giving food without making sure there’s a way to open, store, or cook it – or making sure there aren’t allergies or dietary restrictions.
- Donating bulk pantry staples – like beans – to food banks seems generous, but many families don’t have can openers, cooking appliances, or have other reasons they can’t eat beans. If that’s all a local food pantry is receiving, but families aren’t benefiting, this kind gesture unfortunately misses the mark.
- Providing shelter that lacks trauma-informed safety measures – this can hurt rather than help survivors of violence, especially if it disregards someone’s specific needs (like safety features or specialized childcare)
Designing programs that overlook critical access barriers, such as location, transportation, language, and financial costs. - Assuming someone needs employment when what they really need is medical attention, rest, or mental health services.
- Trying to force sobriety on someone without attempting to understand trauma and addiction, and recovery.
- Making decisions on someone’s behalf without their consent, denying their autonomy.
These examples perpetuate power imbalances, and they can leave people feeling more helpless and alone in their experiences than before.
Sometimes, even the most compassionate people can get it wrong. And that’s okay! But let’s figure out how we can make it right.
Why It Happens
At the end of the day, there are many different reasons why a person might want to give, or offer to help.
Most likely, they aren’t a bad person – they probably really want to help.
But it’s important to stay aware of some of the underlying reasons that can subtly shift people into savior mode.
- Emotional reward – the exciting feeling of seeing someone’s face light up, or feeling like you did a good deed, can actually blind us to potential harm.
- Moral wages – public praise can feel as valuable as genuine impact.
- Uncertainty and anxiety – in situations we don’t understand, grand gestures or inaction often replace listening and thoughtful action.
Recognizing these steps is the first step. The next step is to reassess the stories we tell ourselves about giving, which can be just as damaging.
Common Misconceptions
Especially in today’s climate, where everyday conversations can be controversial, and where each buzzword seems to carry layers of assumptions, it’s easy to get lost in judgements.
Here are some of the most common misconceptions and why they deserve to be countered with careful reconsideration.
“They’ll just spend it on drugs or alcohol”
Recipients of cash donations use them in complex, often practical ways. Everyone is the expert in their own lives, and they deserve the right to use their money anyway they see fit.
“Conditions are necessary”
Attaching strings, while tightening control, can weaken agency. True respect means trusting people to make their own choices, even if they’re different than the ones we would make ourselves.
“Consent doesn’t matter – I know what’s best for them”
You wouldn’t film a friend without permission. Sharing someone’s story or image without consent becomes exploitation. And making choices for them can go against the safety plan they have made for themselves. It’s always better to ask.
What Ethical Giving Looks Like – and How to Self-Check
We’re all human, and we all make mistakes. Most of us are imperfectly stumbling through a dizzying world, just trying to help when and where we can.
Here’s a quick set of questions to help determine your motives and guide you through these situations.
Before offering help, ask yourself:
- Am I offering help that matches what the person actually asked for?
- Am I sharing their story, image, or details without their consent?
- Am I gaining praise or status from their vulnerability?
- Am I looking down on this person or viewing them as my equal?
Principles to remember
- Ask, don’t assume.
- Offer choices, not ultimatums.
- Build relationships and trust over time.
Don’t reinvent the wheel – connect people to existing resources that work.
If your goal is impact, it’s probable that plugging into an existing program or agency in the community could help you find more success in your endeavors than going about it solo. This will also help you make sure your efforts are grounded in the true needs of the community.
We don’t have to get it right all the time – no one does. And action is better than apathy.
We just have to remember that we are not the saviors in people’s lives. We are their neighbors. Their peers. The more we build distance between “us” and “them”, the further we drift from our shared humanity.
How we approach these moments matters. Because next time, it could be us needing help. And when that moment comes – how would you want others to show up?
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Chrysanthemum Crenshaw Cohen covers a wide variety of topics for The Concho Observer, and has an extensive background working to improve social services and animal welfare.
She is a trained advocate who supports survivors of sexual violence, serves on local boards, and acts as a bridge between animal welfare and human social services.
