By your son’s friend Tyler
I am here to write this essay today about the different types of candy that you get during Halloween.
As your son’s best friend, I should tell you we’re both at that age where, honestly, it’s likely we won’t talk to each other ever again after next summer.
So, I just wanted to help you and the other adults in San Angelo understand the psychological torment that some of these types of crummy candy cause. Maybe you can take active measures to prevent their continued production.
Let me begin with the houses that give out full size candy bars. It’s a very kind gesture, but your Bourgois pandering will not win you any friends among my generation.
In the future, I want to start seeing some better bribes from the rich houses. Maybe some Fortnite points, or a NVIDIA Graphics Card.
With that out of the way, let’s examine these foul creations:
#5 – Fun Dip
I know it tastes good, but I suspect that this was an experiment designed to teach kids how to use drugs. The fixation on the powder is really my main complaint, but the flavorless applicator holds no sway over my heart either, as it resembles drug paraphernalia. And the kids act like it’s crack too. Have you ever seen a room full of second graders on Pixie Stix? — Its barbaric.
#4 – Necco Wafers
Rumors say this was originally designed as a treatment for some kind of disease during the Korean War. The pressed calcium-carbonate like capsule has only marginally more taste than Crayola Play Chalk. I guess the GIs must’ve really enjoyed them, because you can’t seem to escape Halloween without getting at least some of these old dusty things.
I haven’t seen any of these in a commercial candy bag mix in several years, which leads me to believe that the homes who do give them out actively go out of their way to inflict this kind of torture on children. Despicable.
#3 – Good N Plenty
I’m not going to dignify this monstrosity with too much explanation, but they say the name comes from what everyone says when they eat more than three of these little candy turds: “Oh yeah, no that’s plenty for me.”
Once exclusively relegated to that weird sticky candy bowl your grandmother has, they are now given out as a punishment for children with lesser costumes. If you got a bunch of these, know that it was because you did a bad job.
#2 – Circus Peanuts
Okay so it’s shaped like a giant peanut, it’s soft, and it tastes like a banana. Do you need any more evidence that this candy needs to be retired for good?
Look, I know you might have fond memories of eating these as a kid; but that’s something you have in common with Mickey Rooney, as these little monstrosities have been made since the turn of the last century. Maybe we need an update.
#1 – Now and Later
According to my research, Now and Later’s are another leftover of the military industrial complex. The chemical mixture was created to make steel core armor piercing rounds for the Air Corps. When they needed a new type of candy, they took the formula and hardened it and then sold it to children.
If there were a graveyard for lost children’s teeth, “Now and Later” would be the grim reaper, ever standing vigil. The US Government ordered the production of 1.9 trillion pieces of Now and Later in 1968, and the legends say that not a single new piece has been made ever since, just a new wrapper.
This article is a work of comic fiction, the character of Tyler was created by Will McDaniel.
